Escaping the Devil's Bedroom

How sexual addiction relates to me

The following article was written by Harmony Dust, founder and director of Treasures, an outreach to women in the exotic dance industry. It is used here with permission.

Forty million adults in the U.S. regularly visit pornographic websites and one third of these visitors are women.  The question is “Why and how does it relate to us?”

What I am learning about sex addiction in its various forms is that it is about avoiding relational pain.  Real relationships and intimacy force us to engage with people on a level where our hearts are open.  This sort of intimacy is scary...especially for those that have been hurt.  So people turn to fantasy and sex because when you are in fantasy, you can control the objects of your desire without risking relational pain.  When you objectify someone by turning them into a fantasy in your head, you can control them. They can’t hurt you because they are not real humans…they are objects.

Even reflecting on my own past, I can see that engaging in sex work was largely about sexualizing my pain.  I had been raped and abused and learned that intimacy equals pain. Stripping offered me a false sense of empowerment and temporary relief from the pain I was suffering.  I could pretend that I was in control and as long as I was in control, I could avoid the pain that true intimacy and relationship might bring.

Many people have a difficult time relating to the plight of the sex addict.  But I would suggest that if we are honest enough to examine our own hearts, we might find some similarities.  Most people spend time imagining what their life will look like.  We paint a canvas in our heads of our marriages, careers, friendships etc.  What happens when our expectations are shattered by life’s disappointment?  Perhaps by the death of a loved one, the breakdown of a marriage or the loss of a career.  How do we respond?  Do we get angry towards God and respond in bitterness?  Or, are we willing to engage in true relationship with our Creator and surrender the canvas of our lives to Him.  I too have painted a canvas of what my life would look like, but I have discovered that my canvas may not be consistent with the ultimate canvas that God is painting for me.

Are we willing to trust that He is good, and that His plans are good, even when they don’t look like the picture we have painted?  If we cling more tightly to the canvas we have painted in our heads, than we cling to God, we too are trapped by fantasy.

In Isaiah 42:16-1, God says:
"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.  But those who trust in idols, who say to graven images, 'You are our gods,’ will be turned back in utter shame."

Fantasy is idolatry.  It is putting trust in a graven image carved out by our minds.  It is much easier to place our trust in something we can see and control, then to place it in a God we cannot see and cannot control.

True relationship and intimacy can be scary.  Healing can be scary.  These things require trust and courage to walk with God along unfamiliar paths by ways we have not imagined.  But God, our God, wants to take us on this journey.  He will make our rough places smooth and bring light where there is none.

We must allow God’s floodlight to penetrate our hearts, exposing the true source of pain so that healing can take place.  Only then will we be able to see clearly what has propelled us to escape in fantasy.  Only then will be able to surrender the canvas of our lives to a good God, knowing that He can do exceedingly, abundantly above all we can ask think or imagine!

Harmony highly recommends the book “False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction” by Schaumburg.

Create Change through Prayer

Without prayer, we enter a spiritual battle with human equipment, insuffient for breaking the thick chains in the devil's bedroom. Prayer is our mysterious resource. This gift allows us to co-labor with God to create eternal change in the universe. Ironically, prayer is not dependent on human strength. Through our prayers, God channels his power through the Holy Spirit.

There is no shortage of specific ways in which you can intercede and change lives from half-way around the world or in your own city.

The following basic guidelines are included in the Salvation Army's 'Prayer Guide or the International Weekend of Prayer and Fasting for Victims of Sex Trafficking.' More detailed prayer suggestions are available in the actual guide.

• Restoration: Pray for the rescue and restoration of the countless number of people who have become victims of sex trafficking and commercial exploitation.
  
• Breakdown of the sex industry: Pray for the demise of the sex indusry--porn, strip-clubs, lap-dancing clubs, brothels--and for strong law enforcement.
  

• Decreased demand: Pray for efforts that reduce demand for commercial sex, including defeating attempts to legalize prostitution or repealing legislation in various countries. Pray for programs and ministries that help men and women with sexual addictions.

• Development: Pray for the economic and social development of poverty-stricken nations, to eradicate the conditions that facilitate sexual exploitation.

• World leaders: Pray that people in positions of power and influence allocate the time and resources necessary to confronting sexual exploitation.

• The Church: Pray for an increase of resources--human, financial and spiritual--to meet the needs of survivors; for collaboration among Christian groups; and for vision, strength and leadership among Christians working on this issue.

Take Action Against Sex Trafficking

"And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God" (Micah 6:8).

-Ask God to equip more Chrisians to befriend women stuck in prostitution. Pray the women grasp their true ientity as God's beloved creations.

- Pray for change in the hearts of sexually abusive and exploitative men and women. Ask God to send them people who'll share the gospel.

-Increase your understanding. A list of articles, books, films and ministry newsletters is available from the Initiative Against Sex Trafficking.

-Get training from experts. Take a course on how to help trafficking survivors transition bck into society.

-Host a weekly prayer group or book study on sex trafficking. Or rally friends to participate in a weekend of prayer and fasting for victims. Download resources at the Salvation Army.

-Shop online for birthday and Christmas gifts from ministries that sell products (jewelry, tote bags, blankets) made by women rescued from trafficking (www.shopinlight.com, www.freesetags.com, www.saribari.com, www.punjammies.com)

-Donate regularly to one ministry of your choice. Hold a fundraiser through your small group or church.

-Share your time and talents. Many groups need volunteers to work from home, maintaining websites, crecruiting other volunteers, and speading awareness. Other ministries need short-term help abroad.

-Care for hurting people in your church. Encourage leaders to offer support groups and prayer for men and women struggling with pornography and other addictions. Jump-start discussion about porn by hosting a men's porn and pancakes breakfast.

This article was first printed in Today's Christian Woman, Sept/Oct 2008. See the complete article, "Shining Hope in the Red Light District."

Christmas shop online & take action against sex trafficking

This Christmas, shop smart online and get beautiful gifts for your friend and family all while helping women who are sexually exploited. Many ministries teach women handicraft skills that are both a part of their healing process and give them a viable means of earning an income. You can peruse stunning jewelry pieces, fun tote bags, and handstitched blankets made by women rescued from sex trafficking and prostitution. In many cases, nearly 100% of the proceeds goes to help the women restore their lives. Many of my friends will be receiving earrings, scarves and tea from fantastic ministries this Christmas.

Check out these great sites:

www.shopinlight.com- handspun silk handbags and accessories from Cambodia
www.freesetbags.com- eco-friendly tote and gift bags
www.saribari.com- beautiful handmade blankets made from vintage sari products
www.punjammies.com - Fun pajama tops and bottoms from gorgeous Indian fabric

Have fun shopping!

Shining Hope in the Red Light District

It's almost midnight in downtown Athens, Greece. Ten young Nigerian women dressed in miniskirts, halters, and stilettos strut under the faded awning of a crumbling hotel. Men in cars cruise by and eye cleavage. When a car stops at the curb, one woman darts to the driver's side. She hangs her head and half-bare breasts through the open window. How many euros will this ma pay for a half hour with her? I wonder.

I'm a writer from the Chicago suburbs searching for glimpses of hope amid the depravity of the European flesh trades. Here in Athens, and later in Amsterdam, I find Jesus' followers are lovingly pursuing trafficked women engaged in prostitution.

This week I'm traveling with Nea Zoi, a ministry of International Teams, serving prostituted men and women in Greece. Prostitution is legal here, and one in four Greek men regularly pays for sex. Consequently, the number of women and children forced into prostitution has increased tenfold over the last decade, according to Amnesty International.

"The evil of trafficking and prostituion is dark," says Nea Zoi direcor Emma Skjonsby Manousaridou, a Seattle native in her early 30s who joined the ministry in 1999 (pictured below right). "And yet, I've seen God is here."

Three times a week, 8 staff and 20 volunteers from Greek evangelical churches canvas downtown neighborhoods, knock on brothel doors, and scour the streets for prostituted women and men. Since 2004, Nea Zoi's teams have spoken with about 50 trafficked Nigerian women per week.

This spring night, our outreach group includes Eirene Hatzigianni, a Greek social worker (pictured below left), and Jennifer Roemhildt, the American founder of Nea Zoi. We tote baskets of books, Bibles, fliers on health and legal rights, cookies, and thermoses of hot tea. Two team members prayer nearby as others offer tea and friendship to the women. Typically, teams have only seconds to exchange a few words over tea before a customer flashes cash at a woman or police sirens send her fleeing.
  
We spend more time with "Maria," a petite Nigerian with brown and blonde braids. She likes music, so Eirene and I sing a capella, "He carried the burden of the world on his shoulders....He can carry you, too, my sister." Then, in a lovely soprano, Maria sings us her own African worship song. Maria tells us she composed gospel music and led her home congregation's choir in Benin City, southern Nigeria. But desperate to flee poverty and support her mother and many siblings, Maria was lured by promises of a high-paying job as a waitress in an Athens bar.

Read more about Maria's story in the next post.
Photo: I went on outreach with Eirene (left) and Emma (right).

This excerpt was taken from my article, "Shining Hope in the Red Light District," in the September/October 2008 issue of Today's Christian Woman.

The Sexualization of American Culture

The Oscar-winning song of 2006 was "It's Hard Out There for a Pimp." That same year, Rolling Stone magazine featured Snoop Dog as 'America's Most Loveable Pimp'. He arrived at the MTV awards 3 years earlier accompanied by two women on leashes called "Delicious" and "Cream." The article quotes him saying, "If you really a pimp, you should be able to get two bitches to walk on a leash with you down the red carpet and be yo ho's for the night. And when I did it, it really was pimpin'."

We might dismiss hip hop artists like Snoop Dog as irrelevant to a girl's self-esteem, but as far away as Amsterdam, American hip hop musicians are influencing youth and their sexual norms. Willem Heemskerk, manger of the Scarlet Cord, a ministry in Amsterdam's central red light district, says the hip-hop scene has played significant role in the disintegration of boundaries surrounding sexuality for Dutch teens. The Scarlet Cord estimates that more than 2,000 girls under 18 are prostituted in the Netherlands. The ministry's nationwide prevention program for high school girls helps them learn to listen to media messages, and grasp the underlying lyrics of the music they jive to.

Here are some popular lyrics that sexualize or degrade women,

"Don'tcha wish your girlfirend was hot like me?"- Pussycat Dolls, 2005

"I tell the hos all the time, Bitch get in my car"- 50 Cent, 2005

"Ho shake your ass"- Ying Yang Twins, 2003

American culture glorifies unrestrained sex and is normalizing commercial sexual exploitation, says Lisa Thompson, the Salvation Army's Liason for the Abolition of Sexual Trafficking. "We're like frogs in the pot," Lisa says. "The water keeps getting hotter and hotter, and we keep sitting there."

(Read more about the Sexualization of American Culture in Chapter 6 of my book)

Lisa recently recommended this new book: "Sexy So Soon: The New Sexualized Childhood and What Parents Can Do to Protect Their Kids" by Diane E. Levin and Jean Kilbourne. Here's a brief summary:

Thong panties, padded bras, and risqué Halloween costumes for young girls. T-shirts that boast "Chick Magnet" for toddler boys. Sexy content on almost every television channel, as well as in books, movies, video games, and even cartoons. Hot young pop stars wearing provocative clothing and dancing suggestively while singing songs with sexual and sometimes violent lyrics. These prod­ucts are marketed aggressively to our children; these stars are held up for our young daughters to emulate-and for our sons to see as desirable females. Without the emotional sophistication to understand what they are doing and seeing, kids are getting into increasing trouble emotionally and socially; some even engage in pre­cocious sexual behavior.
....

May God give us eyes to see the sexualization of our culture and wisdom and energy to challenge these messages. As I wrote at the end of this chapter, equally important, can we find opportunities to voice appreciation for positive messages in the media about sexuality? Options for challenging or praising messages may include writing a letter or email to a clothing company, celebrity, TV or radio station, website or magazine.

Pray or consider how you or your church could offer mentors and role models in your community for girls and boys who need to hear about healthy relationships and sexuality.

"Your mother was a prostitute, you'll only ever be a prostitute"

My friend Sarah loves befriending prostituted women in the Red light district of Calcutta, India. Over a year ago she became friends with a young woman named Pinky whose mother had also been a prostitute. Pinky accepted Sarah's invitation to hand stitch old saris into beautiful handmade blankets, which Sarah then sold to raise awareness of women stuck in the Red LIght District. I've been praying with Sarah for Pinky for over a year.

Although Pinky was eager to work on the blankets, the label of prostitute had been ingrained completely into her body and being. And when Protiva, a dishonest manager of the blanket project, told Pinky, "Your mother was a prostitute, you'll only ever be a prostitute," she believed her.

Last week, Sarah's prayers for Pinky's healing of this lie were answered. Pinky and 2 other women watched the Jesus film in Sarah's flat (apartment) for the first time. Sarah writes:

"At the end they were very quiet. Then Pinky, in English, said: 'I feel like I want to follow that Jesus.'

"The same evening, Smriti was scheduled to visit. Smriti is a Christian Bengali woman who spent the last 12 years working with the children of sex-workers in Sonagachi redlight district.  She walked into my flat at just the right time. Pinky had begun to cry...All of this time, she had been confused. Since he'd been told by a so-called Christian woman that she'd never be anything better than a prostitute, she hought Jesus was thinking the same thing.  She kept talking about the part in the Jesus film when the prostitute came to Jesus and washed his feet.  She said that the- Jesus- in- the- movie was different from what she had always thought He would be like.

Sarah prayed over Pinky that night: "I got to speak God's heart for her over her life—that God loved HER so much, and singled her out to be the reason why I could not get Kolkata [Caclcutta] out of my thoughts. 

"He is the shepherd that leaves his flock to go after HER. I got to rebuke the lies that had been spoken over her and I got to BELIEVE that, in Jesus' name, those lies no longer have the power to wound Pinky.  Jesus LOVES her, forgives her, wants to heal her, and wants her to walk joyfully in a new life.

Last weekend Pinky participated in a Bible Study at Sarah's flat with several other women. Sarah asks, "Continue to pray for Pinky by name. Pray that now that Christ has begun a healing work in her life, His Word would now come in and fill her with new words about who she is in Christ."

Our simple prayers from half way around the world can help undo binding lies and change a life like Pinky's.

Prayer for Victims of Sex Trafficking

The Salvation Army and the Initiative Against Sexual Trafficking invite you to join with them in observing the 3rd annual International Weekend of Prayer and Fasting for Victims of Sexual Trafficking. You can join the observance by organizing workplace and church-based events for prayer and fasting on behalf of those sexually exploited and/or trafficked into the commercial sex industry. To register your participation and obtain free prayer guides (in English or Spanish) register on-line at The Salvation Army NHQ's Anti-Trafficking Pages. Russian and French translations of the prayer guides are also available (on-line only). Other resources that can be found on-line include flyers, sample sermons, Bible studies, an intercessory prayer walk guide, and a church bulletin insert.

We hope you will join with us in lifting petitions to God to free the captives, end exploitation, and to equip the Church to serve, prevent, rescue and restore.

Abolition!

-Lisa Thompson

What if this was your church?

Harmony Dust of Treasures allowed me to share this story with you:

"We have recently been in contact with Crystal (not her real name), a 21-year-old mother of two who has been dancing [in a strip club] since she was just 15 years old.  She has experienced her fair share of tragedy and heartache..."

"About two weeks ago, she made the decision to start going to church in her small town where she hoped to develop her relationship with God. She found a church where she received the love and prayers of the pastor and his wife.  Unfortunately, not everyone in the congregation shared their heart towards her. 

"A couple of days ago, two women from the church who found out what she does for a living, showed up on her doorstep and explained that they did not feel comfortable with this young girl putting her children in children’s ministry with their children.  Tremendously hurt and devastated, Crystal called her pastor to tell him what happened.  He assured her that the women were out of line and that he would speak to them about the matter.

"A few hours later, 6 women showed up at her doorstep threatening her, 'The next time you go running to the pastor will be your last!'

"Crystal was overwhelmed with feelings of anger.  It took everything in her to resist the temptation to turn her anger inward and harm herself. She once again called the pastor and his wife who offered their sincere regrets and support.

"The next morning, Crystal woke up to find that her car had been vandalized.  Someone had painted “Whore, Prostitute, Slut” and other names too vile to repeat.  The paint was removable, the words are not.

"Crystal told me that she doesn’t want to see anything come in the way of her love of God and her desire to know Him.  But she is beginning to wonder if she has the guts to go to church and face the judgment she has been experiencing.  And I don’t blame her.  Even as she was telling me what happened, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs in frustration! 

"Where is the love?  Where is the heart of Jesus in all of this?  Have we forgotten that he is the same Jesus extended compassion and mercy to an adulterous woman that the religious people of his day wanted to stone?  He is the same Jesus that challenged, 'If anyone of you is without sin, let him cast the first stone.' 

"NOBODY COULD!  None of us can today either. They all walked away. Every single one of them.  And Jesus looked at the woman in her shame and showed her love and mercy.

"We are His ambassadors.  We are His hands and feet.  How will people know that He is a God of love and grace if WE do not show them?  It is the goodness of God that leads us to change our ways….not the condemnation of people.

"My heart aches over what this young woman has been going through. I wonder if most of us would have the guts to go to church after experiencing something like she has. Would you?  Could you?

"I know that there are many churches, many leaders, many people throughout this world that are representing the heart of God in a sincere way. This gives me hope because we have a job to do.  There are hurting Crystal’s all around us.  People who have felt isolated and rejected. People who WANT to come to church, but they are afraid…not of God, but of US.

"Let us never forget that our greatest command is to love God with all of our heart and to love our neighbor as ourselves. (Mark 12:29-31)

"Are you up for it?

"PS.  As I am writing this I just received a call from Crystal who just had a 'chance' encounter with a woman who pastors a church with her husband in Crystal’s area.  Knowing nothing about what Crystal has been through this week, the woman invited Crystal to church and encouraged her that it was a safe place for people to come regardless of their lifestyle.  She mentioned that many of the people have come from backgrounds of addiction and prostitution.  His love never fails!"

Harmony's next email update reported: "Crystal has been going to the new church where she has found a very loving and supportive community of people. Tonight she will [share] what God has been doing in her life with a small group of women, including a couple other girls who work in strip clubs in her area!"

Photo courtesy of Phil Kenyon

A Monday in Amsterdam

On a drizzling Monday night in Amsterdam last month, I walked along lantern-lit cobble-stone streets and canals in the Red Light district. Although it was a weekday after 9 p.m., the streets were filled with throngs of passersby ogling at the scantily-clad young women who stood in the windows as if they were animals at the zoo. After my initial shock at the women's "come-hither" poses and their heavily painted faces, I began noticing the onlookers. They weren't only leering and lusty young men who stopped to window-shop. Couples strolled hand-in-hand and grandfatherly and grandmotherly figures took in the "sights." Other than the absence of children, all of humanity seemed to be out for a stroll in the city's central Red Light district. Then I realized that my picture of the zoo was inside-out. In fact, it was we on the streets, the people ones strolling by, who were more the animals, feeding fallen appetites for bizarre spectacles and fantasy on the women behind the windows.

I was accompanied by Toos, who oversees the Scarlet Cord (scroll down to Scharlaken Koord) with her husband, Willem. She tapped on windows and doors, introducing herself with a friendly hello and letting the women know they were welcome at the Scarlet Cord if they ever needed help. The first door we knocked at was opened by a young Hungarian girl who looked younger than 20 and spoke only a little Dutch. Unlike the other women, her freckled face bore little if any make-up, and instead of cheap lingerie, she wore a modest white and silver polka dot two-piece swimsuit. My stomach dropped when she said her name was "Lucy." Perhaps that wasn't her real name, but it didn't matter. My husband and I have chosen that name for our baby, if she is a girl. I felt my own comfortable world crashing into the horrors of the world's flesh trade through this one girl. All the women in the 300-some brothels here could be my daughter!

"How long, O Lord, will we be silent and complicit? Lord, in your mercy, hear our cry..."  - excerpt from a prayer of lament for sexual exploitation from NCAP

I'll never know Lucy's story, but I am confident she didn't grow up dreaming of becoming an object in the window. More likely, she's one of many young women who fit a common profile. Perhaps her father was an alcholic or abusive, then her mother became sick and needed hospitalization or medication. With younger siblings at home, and few local job prospects, Lucy enlisted to work abroad as an "exotic dancer" or "nanny". Or maybe she even knew she'd 'work' in a window, but she probably imagined she'd earn piles of money to send back home for her family. She never knew the violence and suffering almost certain to come.

What can we do to help?
Pray for Lucy to be receptive to God's love.
Pray for the ministries of the Scarlet Cord and YWAM's Cleft.
Check out options on the Salvation Army's website.